As January comes to a close, I want to admit that this month was not easy for me. The transition back into school after a very long break and the pressure to improve or resolve last years issues and obstacles had me on the stress train. In the hustle and bustle of schedules and getting to where I need to go, I've lost sight of where I am in my life and what has happened to me thus far. Good and bad. It's almost as if I'm just functioning in a daze at the moment. I know I'll get back on my feet soon though because I've come to realize that where I am right now is a very good place.
It is very easy to get lost in a different sight of things: obsessing over stuff like a dent you got in your dad's car (damn you excessively high snow drifts), worrying about how much money you have and whether you can afford groceries for the week, that paper you haven't started yet, your relationship status, the job you have and despise, or that stinky professor that drags on and on about their personal life—it all happens to us. We have busy ass lives, and I get that, but at the end of the day, we're safe, we have people who love us, we have ways of making money to sustain ourselves, we're smart and educated, healthy, and have all the things we could possibly want. So, why do we take it all for granted?
Over the course of my teen years, I have dwelled on so many things. Looking back now, those "things" don't even affect me or make sense for that matter. Like whether or not I had the right pair of Uggs in middle school. It seems so juvenile and ridiculous of me to even worry about, but it did make me worry. Now, I worry about whether or not I can afford to buy milk for my roommate and I. How the tables have turned. There are always going to be things to worry about, but a lot of the time they're not worth wasting valuable time and energy on when you could be reconnecting with friends or pursuing your hobbies the best way you know how.
I'm a victim of comparison and have concluded that it's my mortal enemy—my kryptonite. With social media and every bad juju there is online, it can be hard to separate yourself and I've definitely fallen to that level many times. In that way, I think many people can relate, and I feel as though that it devalues the most important things we should be worrying about like calling your mom or showing up for one of your friends.
As the month moves forward and there are things to look forward to in my life, I want to try to take my best foot forward. I know there are opportunities waiting for me and losing sight of who I am and where I am is not on the agenda. Sometimes, it's okay to check yourself. We need to reflect on our feelings and sights of things. Be grateful for what you have and stop counting the days and start counting the moments.
It's that time of winter in mid-January when the temperature starts to plummet and the forecast is snowstorm after snowstorm. Over MLK weekend, which was a four day weekend for me, I decided to go back home to regroup after being at school for about two weeks now. It's convenient enough for me to take the trains home and I wanted to beat the snowstorm headed our way in the Midwest. Suffice to say, it was a relaxing and a rather eventful weekend. I have some friends back home, so out of spontaneity we went laser tagging.
I wanted to express my overwhelming feeling that a lot of people get this time of the year when life picks back up again, but you're still in vacation mode and the back of your mind wishes you were snuggled up in your bed with your pup or hanging out with all of your closest friends back home. It is so hard being comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Especially since I only live 20 miles away from home. Living on my own has been a challenge and I'm not afraid to say that I've also been homesick. Luckily, I can get nannying jobs back home with my families so it allows me to stay overnight or on the weekend sometimes. However, I get this huge feeling of guilt like I can't do it on my own. Everyone else is able to go away to college for 10+ weeks without seeing their family and pets, and I can't last two weeks. It's been an internal struggle at times. I will get so focused on school and then all of a sudden I just get a wave of loneliness and discomfort.
My best friend is studying for about four or five months in London right now and I just can't think of what feelings she has gone through this past couple of weeks. There are things I want to do, like study abroad in Europe this summer, and I know I can do it, but if I'm going to want to lead the life I want, I'm going to have to find ways to keep myself going.
Not only do I need to slow down my thoughts and worries, but I also need to remember where I am. Especially since I am in a great place right now in school and in my life. This is the time where I have to make most of my college experience and take it all in. I forget that sometimes. The hard life isn't here yet and the realization probably won't hit me until I walk the stage. At times when I get into this feeling of guilt, loneliness, and like my life isn't as planned out as I hoped, I try to distract myself and focus on things that are important and release me from these feelings.
Whether that be writing it all down, so that I can at least document this feeling for later, but share with people that they're not in it alone either. I also make it important to talk to people and friends, watch a movie or show, read, finish homework, listen to music, or something that makes you tired enough. I even enjoy meeting up to study or face timing my other college friends to check in on them, too. I've noticed that I feel these bad feelings late at night—nights are the worst I've concluded.
When we're alone, in our own rooms, stuck with our thoughts, no one to talk to, we obsess and digress into a state of gloom. So, when there are times that the darkness consumes you late at night, remember where you are, who in your life supports you and cares about you, what great things you've accomplished thus far, and blow away the negative thought clouds that make you sad and regretful. There's no need for them because you can't control the past and you can't dwell on the future. I've taken time to get back into an actual routine and sometimes I forget about blogging and haven't felt very motivated to take more pictures for it or plan posts, and I think it's okay.
I'm trying to find a pace that works for me. I've worked very hard these past two years and dealing with college can be a lot at times. I might just post once a week, or two if I feel like it. I don't want to hold myself accountable for taking breaks and going home if I want to. This guilt is only affecting me and one of the reasons I chose a school so close to home is so that I can go home when I want to. I can't force myself at times when I'm feeling low and sad. There are things I want to achieve while I'm at school and I can't do it all alone.
As I manage to control and limit my Sex and the City binge obsession, I'm starting to wonder about the bond that Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda have and cease to break—it seems as though no matter what guy has come into their lives, what type of financial or job situation they're in, or how much sex they have for that matter, friendship ceases to dissolve and only grows stronger as the show goes on and much is experienced. Of course, no one's life is as crazy as Carrie's, structured as Charlotte's, demanding as Miranda's, or as "open" as Samantha's, but despite these differences, they all seem to rely and depend on one another like any girl gang would.
For that, I have been inspired to thank those who have touched my life and have stuck with me. Ever since I was little, making friends didn't come easily to me, but I was already okay with some of the closest friends I had. It was much simpler, friend-making, and I think that was mainly because no one gave a crap about who you were or what you looked like.
I was fortunate enough when I moved into my house 15 years ago and lived next door to two of my best friends, Ellie and Alyssa. We had the luxury of being able to live right next to each other, so that meant long days and nights never leaving each other's sides until one of our moms told us it was time to go—then we'd just show up for breakfast the next day. It was memories of running to and from each other's houses, endless games of ghost and the graveyard, summer bonfires, producing plays, sleepovers, vacations, and having that close neighbor bond that not many people get or experience. We're all in college, so there's only so much time left until we all part ways and continue on our lives. Yet our friendship remains and only grows stronger as we all go through new experiences and hit more obstacles along the way.
What I've realized is that it's okay to have friends for one time in your life and move onto different friends in new chapters. To be honest, I don't really talk to anyone I was close with in high school. Not that anything really happened, but you grow apart from people. The few people that I am still closest to, including Ellie and Alyssa, are those that live the farthest away from me. In fact, I think I am closer to them than ever even though we lived 20 feet away from each other growing up.
Friendship requires effort, trust, distance, closeness, consideration, acceptance, and many other things. I've learned throughout many relationships with people that the easiest way to hold onto someone is by support and release. I've tried latching onto people, changing my perceptions, following the crowd, and have only noticed that friendships suffer. I've lost friends because of this; not because I wanted to change them, but I forced friendships. I thought everyone was gonna stick by my side and the next thing you know, they get bored of you and move on.
Now that I'm grown up and am able to deconstruct this mindset, I've come to terms with the type of friend that I want to be and let that decide who stays and who doesn't. I know that I can rely on my close friends, I can confide in them with anything, trust that they will understand where I'm coming from, put me in my place when I'm thinking out of control, reassure me that everything is going to be okay, laugh at all my lame ass puns, send me memes on Instagram at 3 in the morning, talk to me on the phone for hours, and accept me at my best and my worst.
The thing is, making new friends as an adult does not come easily, especially in college when it feels like elementary school again. I'm fairly social, yeah, but I'm also not the type of person to just walk up and become best friends with someone I've just met. Surprisingly, that happens, but it takes longer for me to trust people and that's something I have come to deal with throughout my childhood and teenage years.
Everything I have dealt with has always been bearable when I knew I had my people. My people know who they are and those that have just entered my life are in for a journey. Friendship is gushy and mushy, filled with laughter and love, and is something I would never want to give up for anything.
I love you all.
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