Hi. Hello. I'm back! It's been about a month since I've written a blog post as there have been some pretty big and troubling circumstances going on. It has taken me a while to get back on my blogging feet, so now is the time for me to finally update you all.
These past few weeks have been challenging to say the least, being a college student especially, transitioning all of my classes, job, and extra curricular activities online. Sadly, I know that a lot of other people have lost their jobs, reverted to homeschooling their children, or even work on the frontlines. I am so very grateful and extend my love for the countless number of healthcare workers, emergency services, truck drivers, farmers, essential businesses, teachers, and those who have to sacrifice it all in order to make our country safe.
I have the tendency to believe that a lot of things in life are a constant waiting game. We are always after something in the future, a proposed goal or ambition, and we are counting down the days until we get there. I know I get very psycho-analytical on my blog—a bit deep at times—and am in no way an expert on our human-like tendencies, but just from what I know and feel, there's something about this waiting "game" that has resonated with my current situation so much.
Whether it be sending out pitch emails, applying for an internship, or even ordering cupcakes at 10 o'clock at night, I feel like there's always something to be wanted, awarded, or desired and we are just too insistent on getting that cupcake ASAP.
My amateur knowledge of psychology and what I have learned about delayed gratification is that an individual resists the temptation of immediacy and the "I want it now!" Veruca Salt mentality. The selfish greed in all of us wanting to know the unknown, I mean everyone hates not knowing, right? I've had many instances where I've found patience a virtue and I'd like to say that I have become a pretty patient person, but sometimes that patience turns into obsession and, as a result, inexhaustible self-doubt.
I think many could agree that life is just a waiting game. We are all going after our ambitions, applying ourselves, testing the waters, taking our shot, in hopes of finding something bigger and better—and something as delicious as a 10 o'clock red velvet cupcake. At times, I've found myself dreading over exam grades, scholarships, and getting accepted into my number one college. It made me the most persistently annoying human being during high school because my future, as I believed, was determined by this one "congratulations" email I so desperately yearned for my entire senior year, only to find out I got a scholarship a week after my graduation of high school.
I have the tendency to resort to self-doubt, and therefore lose all the agency I had when I applied myself to these things in the first place; whether it be an internship, job, or study abroad program. It's so easy for us to give something our all and then when we don't get a response within a week, we slowly start to chip away at the fine marble that is our ambition, our passion, and everything we worked ourselves up to be.
There is truth to the delay of the reward, and that is not only a huge feeling of relief but also a sense of greater significance. We seem to forget how much work we put into these things when the suspension isn't built or we don't recognize this sensation of gratitude that should arise from it.
I've grown an appreciation for these opportunities to reflect, and as I wonder where these opportunities will take me, I find myself more present and focused on what I'm currently doing, rather than dwelling on whether or not I'm going to make it in the end. I'm more in tune with my passions this way, and to cultivate a sense of gratitude for these aspirations that await for us, who knows what could happen, so why wait?
I just find life so much more bearable when we commit fully to the things we aspire to most and move on from wondering for a second why we might not be capable of achieving these things. Whether you find out tomorrow, next week, or a month from now, that cupcake is going to taste so good later knowing you were right where you needed to be.
Many times do I find myself in silence, either right before bed or as soon as I wake-up. Times I think to myself what needs to be accomplished the next day and making lists or to-dos in my head. I have this obsession with creating lists and "next steps" for what needs to get done and to be quite frank, it's exhausting. Counting down the days, scratching out the lists, ripping off the weeks, it's just a matter of time before I'm onto the next thing and the next and the next. I need to breathe really.
There are times when I find myself wondering how I got here. There are also times when I find myself wondering when I will leave. Never would I have imagined where I would be now ten years ago—and I don't know what lies ahead of me either. I think that's just the process of time at work.
I could never have guessed that I would be halfway through my junior year, continuing this blog for more than five years, being a writing tutor at my college, being promoted to the Executive Vice President of PRSSA, visited five countries in Europe, or even have three tattoos by the time I'm twenty-years-old. I feel good and proud.
There are times when I digress into my humble little puffer jacket shell and question my abilities, my passions, and what the hell I'm doing. I mean, I think it's valid and common to feel that way, but let's be real, winter doesn't help and I will blame the weather as much as I want. February is one of the worst "second chance" months, you know after you tried so hard to get back at it in January, but then February just sneaks up on you with a pile of deadlines, emails, and applications to be sent out.
This month has really sneaked up on me, but what I've come to realize is that it can be very easy to set ourselves in neutral during these seasons. It can be easy to lose sight of the purpose that drives me to do the things I'm passionate about. I'm stuck in the past or the future, not taking full advantage of the present moment for what it is. It's easy to place myself on a scale of productivity and obsess over what must be done—not what is being done.
Thinking about what gives me purpose motivates me to take everything I do at full force and focus, knowing at the end of the day, that I tried my best. Remembering where I stand now and not wasting my life trying to figure out what my end-all-be-all "purpose" truly is because this is it. What I've learned, though, is that our life's purpose is not a "one-stop arrival," and as cliché, as it is true, it's about the journey, not the destination and trusting the process along the way. Nothing is permanent—we're all just figuring it out as we go. How can you find purpose in today?
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