It's that time of winter in mid-January when the temperature starts to plummet and the forecast is snowstorm after snowstorm. Over MLK weekend, which was a four day weekend for me, I decided to go back home to regroup after being at school for about two weeks now. It's convenient enough for me to take the trains home and I wanted to beat the snowstorm headed our way in the Midwest. Suffice to say, it was a relaxing and a rather eventful weekend. I have some friends back home, so out of spontaneity we went laser tagging.  

I wanted to express my overwhelming feeling that a lot of people get this time of the year when life picks back up again, but you're still in vacation mode and the back of your mind wishes you were snuggled up in your bed with your pup or hanging out with all of your closest friends back home. It is so hard being comfortable with the uncomfortable. 

Especially since I only live 20 miles away from home. Living on my own has been a challenge and I'm not afraid to say that I've also been homesick. Luckily, I can get nannying jobs back home with my families so it allows me to stay overnight or on the weekend sometimes. However, I get this huge feeling of guilt like I can't do it on my own. Everyone else is able to go away to college for 10+ weeks without seeing their family and pets, and I can't last two weeks. It's been an internal struggle at times. I will get so focused on school and then all of a sudden I just get a wave of loneliness and discomfort. 

My best friend is studying for about four or five months in London right now and I just can't think of what feelings she has gone through this past couple of weeks. There are things I want to do, like study abroad in Europe this summer, and I know I can do it, but if I'm going to want to lead the life I want, I'm going to have to find ways to keep myself going. 

Not only do I need to slow down my thoughts and worries, but I also need to remember where I am. Especially since I am in a great place right now in school and in my life. This is the time where I have to make most of my college experience and take it all in. I forget that sometimes. The hard life isn't here yet and the realization probably won't hit me until I walk the stage. At times when I get into this feeling of guilt, loneliness, and like my life isn't as planned out as I hoped, I try to distract myself and focus on things that are important and release me from these feelings. 

Whether that be writing it all down, so that I can at least document this feeling for later, but share with people that they're not in it alone either. I also make it important to talk to people and friends, watch a movie or show, read, finish homework, listen to music, or something that makes you tired enough. I even enjoy meeting up to study or face timing my other college friends to check in on them, too. I've noticed that I feel these bad feelings late at night—nights are the worst I've concluded. 

When we're alone, in our own rooms, stuck with our thoughts, no one to talk to, we obsess and digress into a state of gloom. So, when there are times that the darkness consumes you late at night, remember where you are, who in your life supports you and cares about you, what great things you've accomplished thus far, and blow away the negative thought clouds that make you sad and regretful. There's no need for them because you can't control the past and you can't dwell on the future. I've taken time to get back into an actual routine and sometimes I forget about blogging and haven't felt very motivated to take more pictures for it or plan posts, and I think it's okay. 

I'm trying to find a pace that works for me. I've worked very hard these past two years and dealing with college can be a lot at times. I might just post once a week, or two if I feel like it. I don't want to hold myself accountable for taking breaks and going home if I want to. This guilt is only affecting me and one of the reasons I chose a school so close to home is so that I can go home when I want to. I can't force myself at times when I'm feeling low and sad. There are things I want to achieve while I'm at school and I can't do it all alone. 

As I manage to control and limit my Sex and the City binge obsession, I'm starting to wonder about the bond that Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda have and cease to break—it seems as though no matter what guy has come into their lives, what type of financial or job situation they're in, or how much sex they have for that matter, friendship ceases to dissolve and only grows stronger as the show goes on and much is experienced. Of course, no one's life is as crazy as Carrie's, structured as Charlotte's, demanding as Miranda's, or as "open" as Samantha's, but despite these differences, they all seem to rely and depend on one another like any girl gang would. 

For that, I have been inspired to thank those who have touched my life and have stuck with me. Ever since I was little, making friends didn't come easily to me, but I was already okay with some of the closest friends I had. It was much simpler, friend-making, and I think that was mainly because no one gave a crap about who you were or what you looked like. 

I was fortunate enough when I moved into my house 15 years ago and lived next door to two of my best friends, Ellie and Alyssa. We had the luxury of being able to live right next to each other, so that meant long days and nights never leaving each other's sides until one of our moms told us it was time to go—then we'd just show up for breakfast the next day. It was memories of running to and from each other's houses, endless games of ghost and the graveyard, summer bonfires, producing plays, sleepovers, vacations, and having that close neighbor bond that not many people get or experience. We're all in college, so there's only so much time left until we all part ways and continue on our lives. Yet our friendship remains and only grows stronger as we all go through new experiences and hit more obstacles along the way.

What I've realized is that it's okay to have friends for one time in your life and move onto different friends in new chapters. To be honest, I don't really talk to anyone I was close with in high school. Not that anything really happened, but you grow apart from people. The few people that I am still closest to, including Ellie and Alyssa, are those that live the farthest away from me. In fact, I think I am closer to them than ever even though we lived 20 feet away from each other growing up.

Friendship requires effort, trust, distance, closeness, consideration, acceptance, and many other things. I've learned throughout many relationships with people that the easiest way to hold onto someone is by support and release. I've tried latching onto people, changing my perceptions, following the crowd, and have only noticed that friendships suffer. I've lost friends because of this; not because I wanted to change them, but I forced friendships. I thought everyone was gonna stick by my side and the next thing you know, they get bored of you and move on.

Now that I'm grown up and am able to deconstruct this mindset, I've come to terms with the type of friend that I want to be and let that decide who stays and who doesn't. I know that I can rely on my close friends, I can confide in them with anything, trust that they will understand where I'm coming from, put me in my place when I'm thinking out of control, reassure me that everything is going to be okay, laugh at all my lame ass puns, send me memes on Instagram at 3 in the morning, talk to me on the phone for hours, and accept me at my best and my worst. 

The thing is, making new friends as an adult does not come easily, especially in college when it feels like elementary school again. I'm fairly social, yeah, but I'm also not the type of person to just walk up and become best friends with someone I've just met. Surprisingly, that happens, but it takes longer for me to trust people and that's something I have come to deal with throughout my childhood and teenage years. 

Everything I have dealt with has always been bearable when I knew I had my people. My people know who they are and those that have just entered my life are in for a journey. Friendship is gushy and mushy, filled with laughter and love, and is something I would never want to give up for anything. 

I love you all.

As the holiday season transitions into school season, I want to say hello to the new year and goodbye to the last. My prolonged break was way overdue and I had a nice time off with family and friends. It was a chance for me to reset before I take on new beginnings. As I sit here and write this on my unmade bed, I'm finding it hard to know where exactly to start—a lot has happened in 2018. Good and bad. 

I finished my first year of college which was surprisingly fast. Now that I'm starting the second quarter of my sophomore year, I'm going in more confident and reassured that this winter is going to be a good one. With all the gross weather Chicago brings in the next coming months, I need to keep focused, stay motivated, and remain warm! It gets to the negatives people! With that said, I'm trying to take advantage of all the opportunities I can and I want to make sure I get a little more out of my comfort zone. Traveling a lot this past year alone has taught me a lot about myself and what I'm like independently and how I can adapt to certain situations. 

I learned a lot about myself in 2018, but I'm ready for what the new year will bring. I worried way too much last year, I dwelled on little things that never mattered, I forced things to happen, and I blurred out the most important things that truly matter. This year is a new slate. Resolutions aren't really my thing but acknowledging growth and change are. Here are some things I would like to work on this year:

01. My Anxiety and Constant Worry

This is always a big one I want to work on because it's always there. No matter what my anxiety thinks, it will never go away. It can be controlled. This year I want to be aware of the bad thoughts and let them pass more often. Either by continuing yoga and a well-rounded routine, I know that I have come to manage my mentality a lot more. However, it seems as though I can never just be content with where I am or what I'm doing. I spend so much time obsessing over what could have happened and what will that I don't enjoy now. So, when moments like that arise, I want to be more aware that I need to keep my eyes on the present and find the good things more than anything.

02. My Perfective Nature

With constant worry and anxiety comes a need to be everything I want to be and have everything I want to be perfect. Now I'm not like someone who has to constantly fix one little imperfection after the next but in my mind, I envision ways things should be. Either by my own idea of how it can be or the people on the internet who tell me I'm not living up to standards. There are so many comparisons and self-evaluations in us that can really sway our ability to appreciate what we already have and what is good. Rather than thinking, I need this specific "thing", time is much better thinking about the great friends and family in my life that are more important than anything materialistic or superficial. 

03. Internet Habits

I'd say over the past few months, my social media habits have been lower than normal. Unfortunately, there are times I still get sucked into the social media scrolling trap and am sucked in like most. I have noticed though that I'm not as "perfect" with my posts. Surprise, surprise. I've tended to care less about pimples or wearing the right clothes in pictures. Sharing moments that are the most real to me and not giving a crap about what people think or how many people see it is something not many people are capable of doing these days. I have about 270 followers on Instagram, due to my hacking, and I could care less if I'm short of 1000 whatever people I don't even know. I may be a blogger, I may be savvy online, but sacrificing authenticity and realness for it is not something I plan on doing.

04. Moderation of Things

I really push myself to stay productive and hold myself to schedules and routines. I don't give myself leeway to be flexible and to relax as much. I'm always my best when I have things to do, so this break really made me adjust to not having due dates and deadlines or a million other things I have to do. I want to be able to let myself take a break, have a sleep-in day, get ice cream and pizza when I want to,  and don't hold myself back from buying things I want. I resist a lot from the things that might make my life a bit more enjoyable because, well, they cost a lot, might make me fat, or make me even more guilty and undeserving. I've decided that living a life of restriction is something I will not thrive with. If I want a pair of $50 shoes, I'm gonna get them. I know that I save money, can find a means of making it, and shouldn't live my life worrying about whether or not I am going to regret it later when I could have spent the money on textbooks. Textbooks. 

05. My Purpose of Doing

Sometimes I find it hard to really think about the reasons we all do things—selfishly or on a more global scale. One example is my writing. I realize that I don't reach a very large audience probably because I'm not insanely savvy or social media popular enough to have one, but more than ever have I been a fan of the content I'm creating. I was really unhappy with the way I was plugging and chugging content just to meet a schedule. So, thinking back to the reason I write and why I want to share personal endeavors and rants with you all is something that brings me release and is actually very therapeutic. If I'm uninspired and tired, I find that I just make my worst work ever and probably should wait until I hit that spark again and get back on my feet. Breaks are necessary because then I'm mindlessly doing things without any purpose or without value. I want to take this year to put my focus and effort into things that bring me purpose and value—even if I don't feel like it one day I don't want that to discourage me. 

Here are some smaller aims...

-Travel abroad

-Redesign my blog

-Try out a barre gym class

-Run more

-Drink more water

-Have more girl time

-Be present 

-Buy more investment pieces

-Read more books (granted I read 4 this break!)

-Write for quality

-Take more photos with my camera

-Delve into my passions

-Get out of my comfort zone

-Try new foods

-Socialize more 

I know I'm not perfect, but the new year is promising and having goals set is a lot more gratifying and motivating to me. I want to make blogging this next year a lot better and focused than the last. While I wish I had thousands of people reading, I know that continuing to do what I love will be the biggest payoff. 

It's hard to keep a steady mind with everything else that's going on around us, but I think self-reflection is necessary for us to keep going and growing as human beings. I have faith in the new beginnings and chapters that this year may lead and am looking forward to a fresh start. As I transition back into the swing of things, patience please, I am planning a lot of more great things to come!