Over the years, my writing and blogging process has definitely evolved. Probably for the better, but I definitely don't have it down to a T yet. My creative process is a bit all over the place sometimes, to be honest. Not only does drafting posts take a while, but setting aside time to take all of my photos is something I've come to hassle with on occasion. The beginning of my blog journey consisted of crappy iPhone pictures and one sentence descriptions that lacked any substance or personality whatsoever. So, I think I've come along way and I've definitely never shared what this process is even like and how I balance everything else I do. 

It amazes me that I've stuck to a Tuesday/Thursday posting schedule for the past four years, giving myself breaks, taking my own photos, and coming up with personal and enticing content (or at least I think it's enticing). Being a blogger among millions of other bloggers has shed light on what kind of creative industry this is and what I want to make of it. Comparing myself to all of the "pretty perfect" and aesthetically-strict blogs have taught me that I just want to maintain authenticity and realness with my writing and content, as I have been for a while now. 

I really haven't had a second thought about followers or numbers because the success and gratification have come through my own improvement and the small joys I get from people who reach out to me about my work. That's what keeps me going and I think that's truly what differentiates me from all of those other content plug and chuggers who crave superficial popularity and money because I don't get paid at all. I know it may seem a little harsh, but I think now more than ever that criticism deems true. I've met bloggers who don't do it for the right reasons: fame, fortune, popularity, all that crap. However, I've also met hardworking and dedicated creators like me who do it because they love it and get more out of it than just the numbers. 

As for my writing process, it usually starts with something as mundane and old school as scratching out rough drafts of posts I want to write in advance. Sometimes I get inspiration out of the blue for a post to write and I will create it right away, but a lot of what I plan on writing is prepared in advance. This just helps me so that I am not overwhelmed with a lot of writing and brainstorming during school. I've found this process more efficient and not as stressful as many other bloggers might, it just works. A lot of what influences my posts are just things relevant to me at the time and surrounding circumstances like seasons and big events that are going on. I've definitely hit rock bottom with figuring out exactly what I want to say or do with posts, but other times I'm on a writing spree and will just hash out material back and forth. 

I am my own writer, editor, publisher, photographer, fact checker, and blog designer. I don't hire anyone and don't really have the means to do so. Since my blog is out of a hobby, I don't feel the need to put so much money or extra help into the process. I think the fact that I actually do everything gives me a lot more freedom and personality that some blogs who are run by more than one person lack identity. I have considered blogging as being a part of my job someday, but I'm honestly more okay with it just being a passionate hobby and having my job compliment it in some way. 

I have goals I would like to reach professionally in public relations and blogging has definitely contributed in that aspect. A lot of my writing is done in my "soft office," also known as, my bed. As I'm writing this now in my bed with my pup at my feet, I've also done a lot of writing in my dorm room on my desk, in my local libraries, coffee shops, and even in the car on my iPhone. Thankfully, my creative juices have been flowing a lot lately and I think that's mainly because I'm on break and make myself really productive. 

I'll be honest, I wish I could develop better photography skills and improve on more ways to take advantage of all the tools I have on my DSLR, but I just can't seem to figure it out. I really would like to get a new lens for my Canon T5i that I've had since I've started blogging and somehow change the look of my posts or create a new theme somehow. My skill in photoshop is really limited and my access to it is only when I'm at school. I've always liked my raw photos, but think my blog could use a little more color and uniformity. Maybe I should take more photo classes, who knows! I just need to take my camera out more. 

I guess a lot of blogs benefit from the perfected photos, but it just never appealed to me. Even if there are like little marks on the table I take flat lays on, I just don't feel the need to fix it. Who cares? A lot of bloggers would. For my flat lays in particular, I literally just use my side table and push it over to my window. I did used to use a piece of wood with marble contact paper, but overtime didn't like the look of the gloss. I considered getting professional box lighting, but natural light just always attracts me more and my pictures turn out a lot better. I usually have to wake up earlier around like 9 or 10am to just make sure that the sun is alligned right, it all matters! If I try taking pictures around 3 or 4, I'd be lucky if there was any sunlight because it gets dark so early. I'm also usually standing on a chair when I take photos and there are products and decor sitting all over my room. 

Blogging has definitely filled the creative void in my life. I miss all of my art classes, but I learn so much from my blog itself. The writing, photography, and blog designing all contribute to my need of creativity. I've also noticed more and more that I'm writing for myself—I mean that I'm not just creating posts that I think readers would like, buying products to just simply review and hype up, but I'm writing about things that I feel are important and relevant to address or question. Yes, I have been doing some beauty and fashion related posts, but a lot of my friends have noticed my personal and more upfront writing to be more favorable. 

As I've always mentioned, I'm constantly changing and evolving as I grow and learn with this blog and in this community of writers and readers. The most important thing I remind myself with is that I do this because I love it and continue to thrive from it. It isn't forced at all and I haven't put pressure on myself to look or seem a certain way. I go my own pace and in that, I think my blog and writing benefits so much. It's everyone that constantly supports me that tells me I'm doing something right. 

I was fortunate to be sent Esqido Lashes's new gel eyeliner to get to try out for you guys. I've raved about their Mink Lashes, so I was intrigued when they came out with liner and was excited to give them a go. I really haven't been on the "makeup game" lately because it's been a few months since I've bought new makeup to try out and use. However, I'm really into eye products more than anything and can report great things about this liner. So much so, that it will be the liner of the season! It's perfect for gift giving for all makeup lovers out there. 

The formula of both black and brown liners goes on very smoothly and effortlessly. I've had trouble in the past with some pencil liners being too waxy to apply, but you only need small strokes and the color payoff is phenomenal. I definitely geared more towards the brown liner just because I love the natural look more than dramatically black and smokey. 

I was also really surprised at the staying power of the liner and its lack of moving around my waterline during the day. Usually, I find that my pencil liner will build up in the corners of my eyes and I have to keep fixing it and wiping the excess liner that falls off. The Esqido Liner stays on for a really good amount of time and I was pleased to not have to fix it all the time. 

If you're a daily eyeliner wearer and are looking for a silky and smooth liner, I would highly recommend these! They don't gather in the corners of your eyes or run down your face—they stay put as all liners should. Right now, Esqido eyeliners are on sale for $12! They are perfect as stocking stuffers and paired with their classic and famous Mink Lashes that I love. You can also read my review of them, here. You guys know I am always open to trying new products, and I am grateful when companies send me products to try out, so I definitely think you will enjoy these as much as I did! 

One of the biggest challenges I face in my life is letting the world around me take its lead. There's nothing more constraining than simply allowing the fate of the world ride its course in front of you—it seems so "simple". Yet the greatest things in life come when we least expect it, or at least that's what we're told. The inspiration for this thought comes from a self-help book I read a week ago called You Are A Badass, by Jen Sincero, and she is a badass indeed. The author, speaker, and success coach writes all the ways one can use everything they've got to live one extreme, helluva life; it's advice we all could hear. So, I would highly recommend checking it out. I won't go into full detail about the book itself, but one chapter titled "Remember to Surrender" includes this Eckhart Tolle quote I found striking: 

"Surrender to what is. Say "yes" to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you, rather than against you". -Eckhart Tolle

I had to take a step back and think, "do I really say 'no' to a lot of things?". I mean I think a lot of us can agree that there are many times saying "no" is the only practical answer to things, but when opportunities present themselves, do I find myself dismissing them for dumb and profound excuses? Am I not reaching far enough? What are the things I say, do, react that make things harder to achieve? How am I presenting myself and comparing myself to others, why does it affect me so much? Why do I let it? 

I am a Control Freak.

Those of you who know me, love me, care about me, talk to me, laugh at me, laugh with me, or anyone who's just seen my room knows I like things a certain way. I'm not a hypertensive drama queen who whines about small, irrelevant details, or I like to tell myself I'm not anyway. My personality wants to make sure that every little thing in my life, emotional and physical, is spick and span so that I can manage to tackle every big thing in my life. If you met me, you would think I'm to myself, but really I'm planning and processing every minute of my life in my head as new information comes in. Oh, the anxiety!

Without a doubt, anxiety fuels this need of perfection and preparation. If I'm not thinking about my future or the effects of the present, I don't know how I can make sure I'm on the "right track" of life. The direction I at least tell myself I'm going in—hell if I knew I would tell you. Little moments in my life have shown this, my parents have seen me go through it when I was trying to apply for college.  It was not easy for any of us. I spent hours and hours perfecting my application, days spent emailing scholarship and financial aid offices, dragging my parents into more stress about which college I was going to, pulling my hair out after being waitlisted for a deciding scholarship, and finally finding out that I had gotten it for my number one school, DePaul, a week after I graduated high school. While yes, everything worked out, I persisted an immense amount because I knew I wanted it. However, I knew, in the end, I would be going to any great college. I definitely wasted a lot of my senior year in dread about it. 

There are so many things in my life that I don't let go of: where I'm studying, how much money I have, how much money I don't have, who my friends are, what friends I've lost, family I haven't seen in forever, jobs, my purpose, and every existential crisis you could think of, I've probably thought about. I realize that my worries are not similar to many, because there's a lot of bad happening in the world, and also that I can't control everything in my life or the world itself.

Hands-Off Mode.

Obviously, there are things that you can control, like your motivation and persistence to find a job, the effort you put into that job, etc. However, when it seems like all of my force and energy is pushed onto millions of things or one big thing in my life, I live less. I find those moments unenjoyable and just exhausting. Why do I do it then? Well, for one thing, I really like to fulfill passions and expectations. I know people expect great things of me, so why settle? I make myself bite off more than I can chew because I thrive on it. I also suck at it because I dig myself into a big self-deprecating hole of doubt and comparison. 

So, with reading this self-help book, How to Be A Badass, it has become clear to me that taking my hands off the steering wheel sometimes is in my best interest. As I sit on my bed now, petting my oh-so-space-generous golden retriever that is literally taking up my half of the bed, I am deciding now that maybe living a "go with the flow" kinda life might seem like the perfect ideal. Not worrying about what comes next, but enjoying the small moments you have now. Yeah, I've already awed and ooed about presence in other posts and all that, everything my yoga instructors instruct me, whatever my parents confide in me, and every Tumblr post in between—I know don't listen to myself when I need to the most. 

Taking my Own Advice.

It's really not easy listening to my own advice. "Read your blog posts, Nat. You already know what you need to do," my mom urges. Sometimes its nice hearing other people's thoughts about what direction they think you should go in—getting outside perspectives is always a great tool for you to go from, but you should never let it consume you. I know I'm smart. Millions of people could tell me how to apply for internships, successful job interview tips, what should be on my resume, how to dress, how to be productive, how to not worry about everything, but at the end of the day, I know what's good for me. Sometimes it takes letting go of all outside factors (opinions, ideas, dad's advice) or just letting go of one. 

Just saying "I need to let go," seems so easy, but it is so multi-faceted and complex in my mind. In moments when I need to be the most present, my mind is usually back in the fifth-grade regretting friendship decisions I made. There just seems like no getting past it. When I'm not past it, I'm behind it. I'm never here. I keep saying how time is flying by in front of my very eyes and this is because we are all so time oriented. 

Everything revolves around time, it's all we got to keep us going (well I guess maybe not all we got): when we gotta be there, when we have to leave, when the thing starts, when the thing ends, when we have to live, and when we have to die. Time is so precious to us and it taunts us. If we don't get something done in time, we fail. If we don't make it there on time, we fail. If we forget the time, we fail. 

I can't worry about time or as much as I have. I can't worry about a trip I'm planning with my college's study abroad because it's six months from now, I can't worry about what internship I might have in a year from now, I can't worry about my relationship status because I have time to meet people, I can't worry about who I will be around when I'm older because all that matters is what I've got at this moment and how I'm spending it now. Surrender to the flow of life, be present, listen to yourself and others, and the rest will follow.