I was fortunate to be sent Esqido Lashes's new gel eyeliner to get to try out for you guys. I've raved about their Mink Lashes, so I was intrigued when they came out with liner and was excited to give them a go. I really haven't been on the "makeup game" lately because it's been a few months since I've bought new makeup to try out and use. However, I'm really into eye products more than anything and can report great things about this liner. So much so, that it will be the liner of the season! It's perfect for gift giving for all makeup lovers out there. 

The formula of both black and brown liners goes on very smoothly and effortlessly. I've had trouble in the past with some pencil liners being too waxy to apply, but you only need small strokes and the color payoff is phenomenal. I definitely geared more towards the brown liner just because I love the natural look more than dramatically black and smokey. 

I was also really surprised at the staying power of the liner and its lack of moving around my waterline during the day. Usually, I find that my pencil liner will build up in the corners of my eyes and I have to keep fixing it and wiping the excess liner that falls off. The Esqido Liner stays on for a really good amount of time and I was pleased to not have to fix it all the time. 

If you're a daily eyeliner wearer and are looking for a silky and smooth liner, I would highly recommend these! They don't gather in the corners of your eyes or run down your face—they stay put as all liners should. Right now, Esqido eyeliners are on sale for $12! They are perfect as stocking stuffers and paired with their classic and famous Mink Lashes that I love. You can also read my review of them, here. You guys know I am always open to trying new products, and I am grateful when companies send me products to try out, so I definitely think you will enjoy these as much as I did! 

One of the biggest challenges I face in my life is letting the world around me take its lead. There's nothing more constraining than simply allowing the fate of the world ride its course in front of you—it seems so "simple". Yet the greatest things in life come when we least expect it, or at least that's what we're told. The inspiration for this thought comes from a self-help book I read a week ago called You Are A Badass, by Jen Sincero, and she is a badass indeed. The author, speaker, and success coach writes all the ways one can use everything they've got to live one extreme, helluva life; it's advice we all could hear. So, I would highly recommend checking it out. I won't go into full detail about the book itself, but one chapter titled "Remember to Surrender" includes this Eckhart Tolle quote I found striking: 

"Surrender to what is. Say "yes" to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you, rather than against you". -Eckhart Tolle

I had to take a step back and think, "do I really say 'no' to a lot of things?". I mean I think a lot of us can agree that there are many times saying "no" is the only practical answer to things, but when opportunities present themselves, do I find myself dismissing them for dumb and profound excuses? Am I not reaching far enough? What are the things I say, do, react that make things harder to achieve? How am I presenting myself and comparing myself to others, why does it affect me so much? Why do I let it? 

I am a Control Freak.

Those of you who know me, love me, care about me, talk to me, laugh at me, laugh with me, or anyone who's just seen my room knows I like things a certain way. I'm not a hypertensive drama queen who whines about small, irrelevant details, or I like to tell myself I'm not anyway. My personality wants to make sure that every little thing in my life, emotional and physical, is spick and span so that I can manage to tackle every big thing in my life. If you met me, you would think I'm to myself, but really I'm planning and processing every minute of my life in my head as new information comes in. Oh, the anxiety!

Without a doubt, anxiety fuels this need of perfection and preparation. If I'm not thinking about my future or the effects of the present, I don't know how I can make sure I'm on the "right track" of life. The direction I at least tell myself I'm going in—hell if I knew I would tell you. Little moments in my life have shown this, my parents have seen me go through it when I was trying to apply for college.  It was not easy for any of us. I spent hours and hours perfecting my application, days spent emailing scholarship and financial aid offices, dragging my parents into more stress about which college I was going to, pulling my hair out after being waitlisted for a deciding scholarship, and finally finding out that I had gotten it for my number one school, DePaul, a week after I graduated high school. While yes, everything worked out, I persisted an immense amount because I knew I wanted it. However, I knew, in the end, I would be going to any great college. I definitely wasted a lot of my senior year in dread about it. 

There are so many things in my life that I don't let go of: where I'm studying, how much money I have, how much money I don't have, who my friends are, what friends I've lost, family I haven't seen in forever, jobs, my purpose, and every existential crisis you could think of, I've probably thought about. I realize that my worries are not similar to many, because there's a lot of bad happening in the world, and also that I can't control everything in my life or the world itself.

Hands-Off Mode.

Obviously, there are things that you can control, like your motivation and persistence to find a job, the effort you put into that job, etc. However, when it seems like all of my force and energy is pushed onto millions of things or one big thing in my life, I live less. I find those moments unenjoyable and just exhausting. Why do I do it then? Well, for one thing, I really like to fulfill passions and expectations. I know people expect great things of me, so why settle? I make myself bite off more than I can chew because I thrive on it. I also suck at it because I dig myself into a big self-deprecating hole of doubt and comparison. 

So, with reading this self-help book, How to Be A Badass, it has become clear to me that taking my hands off the steering wheel sometimes is in my best interest. As I sit on my bed now, petting my oh-so-space-generous golden retriever that is literally taking up my half of the bed, I am deciding now that maybe living a "go with the flow" kinda life might seem like the perfect ideal. Not worrying about what comes next, but enjoying the small moments you have now. Yeah, I've already awed and ooed about presence in other posts and all that, everything my yoga instructors instruct me, whatever my parents confide in me, and every Tumblr post in between—I know don't listen to myself when I need to the most. 

Taking my Own Advice.

It's really not easy listening to my own advice. "Read your blog posts, Nat. You already know what you need to do," my mom urges. Sometimes its nice hearing other people's thoughts about what direction they think you should go in—getting outside perspectives is always a great tool for you to go from, but you should never let it consume you. I know I'm smart. Millions of people could tell me how to apply for internships, successful job interview tips, what should be on my resume, how to dress, how to be productive, how to not worry about everything, but at the end of the day, I know what's good for me. Sometimes it takes letting go of all outside factors (opinions, ideas, dad's advice) or just letting go of one. 

Just saying "I need to let go," seems so easy, but it is so multi-faceted and complex in my mind. In moments when I need to be the most present, my mind is usually back in the fifth-grade regretting friendship decisions I made. There just seems like no getting past it. When I'm not past it, I'm behind it. I'm never here. I keep saying how time is flying by in front of my very eyes and this is because we are all so time oriented. 

Everything revolves around time, it's all we got to keep us going (well I guess maybe not all we got): when we gotta be there, when we have to leave, when the thing starts, when the thing ends, when we have to live, and when we have to die. Time is so precious to us and it taunts us. If we don't get something done in time, we fail. If we don't make it there on time, we fail. If we forget the time, we fail. 

I can't worry about time or as much as I have. I can't worry about a trip I'm planning with my college's study abroad because it's six months from now, I can't worry about what internship I might have in a year from now, I can't worry about my relationship status because I have time to meet people, I can't worry about who I will be around when I'm older because all that matters is what I've got at this moment and how I'm spending it now. Surrender to the flow of life, be present, listen to yourself and others, and the rest will follow. 

I hope everyone has had a really nice and relaxing Thanksgiving holiday—I spent it stuffing my face, sleeping, and stuffing my face some more. For lack of a post on Thursday, since it was Thanksgiving, I thought it would be nice to kind of reiterate some goals I want to set for this winter as my fall quarter has officially come to a close and I am on break until January. It's a little weird with my college because we have ten week quarters with no breaks in between and our winter break is like six weeks long. 

It can be so initimidating when you have so much free time. As some of you know, I need to keep doing things, creating, and producing otherwise I get into a low place of doubt, worry, and just a feeling of unproductivity when I have so much time on my hands to do nothing. So, I thought it was only right to make a few ideas of things I want to get done while I have all this time over break, as well as, enjoy it because I know I won't get off time like this in the future. 

For some college students, especially those who live in the city, don't really go home for break due to a desire of freedom, a job, an internship, more classes, or what have you. However, since I live so close to home, it makes sense for me to just go home and see people I want to see and not have to worry about groceries or getting around the city during our heinous blizzards. So, here are my goals:

I think last time I was home, I never really reached out to many people from my highschool or even college for that matter. I have some friends who are staying in the city over break, so it would be nice for me to go visit them and do some touristy things over Christmas time in the city with them. Also, I think a lot of people feel like they need to see absolutely everyone they know over winter break, but I'm just talking about some of my good friends that I haven't seen in awhile. Catching up is my favorite thing. 

I would say for the most part I am a healthy eater, but lately I haven't been paying much attention to it. More recently I've noticed that I kind of treat myself more than I should. I think everyone should eat a pizza, buffalo wings, or whatever they want to every now and then, but my eating habits have not been as controlled as they usually are. Maybe it's a good thing though that I haven't been worrying constantly about food, but I know overbreak and being home with endless food availability it can be so tempting. 

This is a big goal for me because I truly have not read a full book since high school. Yes, I've read articles and magazines, skimmed some books for class, but I haven't sat down and actually enjoyed reading something I like. It's so hard for me to find books I like, however, recently I became serious about this and went to my library (yeah they still exist), looked at the Barnes and Noble best sellers on my phone, chose You are a Badass by Jen Sincero, and I'm already 168 pages in. That is an accomplishment for me. I really enjoy self-help books and guides because they emulate the type of writing and reading that I can benefit from and what better motivater to get inspired to live my life the way I intend on it. 

So, I have plans. Big future plans; ambitions and goals and things I want to do, see, and accomplish. There are so many things I want to do with the time being in college, so over break I will be applying for a study abroad program in Europe, an oncampus job for next year, and many scholarships that are gonna help me realize these goals because I got nothing in my pockets except a craving for travel and curisosities of the unknown. It's my time to take the risk and leap, no matter how broke I'll be, and just go for it. 

I mainly dwell on the future and what my decisions will entail before me—I hate this part about myself, honestly. I'm so sick of my thoughts wandering into holes of despair and just internal suckiness. I wish I never thought like this, and especially when I have a lot of time off and I'm not doing anything, I get to this state. I'm aware of when I'm extremely worrisome and I know it doesn't serve me at all. There are things I can't control and there's no point in trying to prevent them, fix them, or obsess. 

I could go on and make a bigger list of things I want to do, but hey, it's a break for a reason, so I'm not gonna put so much on my plate and actually relax for most of it and be present with my friends and family that I get to see. Vacations and holidays are great, but overworking yourself and not rewarding or granting yourself time off can suck the life out of you really. I don't plan on posting as much within the next month and leading up to Christmas and New Years, but do expect content! I'll be writing for sure, just leisurely and at my own pace. I hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday season!