L-O-V-E. The word we all want to hear and the word that has us all completely confused and throwing our shit. Now, I don't normally talk about love—as many people don't—I just never felt like I could fully understand it enough to know what I love and who I love. Of course, I love my family, that's just a given regardless. However, the way we give love, receive it, reject it, and all of its forms has had me thinking a lot lately. You know, some people make it their goal to find love when love is already all around them. Our society has developed this idea that love is something we have to have at a certain point in our lives; you know to marry, make babies, and have a grand 'ol time? Well, the time has changed and love is changing, too. Especially our ideas of it.  

I want to disclaim that my growing and evolving "love story" is really new and I'm just learning as much as anyone else is about it. With that said, I've made it a point to be a bit vulnerable because talking about love is something that takes an open heart and I'm ready to share my thoughts with all of you. With it being the season of family and friends, the spirit of Christmas has definitely gotten me into the mood and what originally inspired me to write this. You could be rushing around getting last minute gifts or you could be rushing around trying to meet up with all the people that you care about—or both, who knows. All this time off and the holiday spirit definitely sparks a lot of repressed emotion and rekindled hearts that's for sure. 

You see, love is everywhere, whether we know it or not. Growing up I always found someone to crush on. There was always some boy that just caught my eye and unfortunately, it became a secret obsession. Not in like a creepy, gross way, but I looked forward to seeing my crushes pretty much every day in class to a point that my heart would sink if they were absent and I couldn't talk to them. You know, loving was so easy back then when you could just openly not give a shit about who or what was affected by it or judged. You could fearlessly walk up to said boy or girl and kiss them on the face and be girlfriend and boyfriend until one of you forgot you were girlfriend and boyfriend. As kids we never overthought situations and screwed up relationships, it was so much simpler.
As a 19-year-old, who has experienced flings and crushes with multiple guys, I'll be honest I really haven't gotten into any serious relationships. In my early elementary and middle school days, I knew I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. However, I remember how strong I felt about some certain kids. There was one boy that I grew up with and haven't stopped wondering why things never worked out—we were really good friends that liked each other, but maybe my heart was in it more than his. My question is, do you really stop crushing on someone?

I feel like people we attract ourselves to, no matter if we get married to someone else, never really become "unattractive". Say, you see them at like a high school reunion and all the feels come back. Unless they did something remarkably wrong to you, I don't think the feeling really goes away. That back burner feeling of love is something I experience hardcore. When you know you need to move on—there are way more people out there you'll probably meet—but the back of your mind asks you "what if"? What if I did something differently or didn't say something I should have? Some people in your life will do that to you, I don't have a way of fixing it persay, no one really does, but I like to think that these people that strike us at a certain point in our lives are important and won't be forgotten. With all the happy memories or experiences we have with them, they came into our life when we needed them most.

I get the feeling in my gut, when I know I could be putting myself out there more, making moves and meeting people, but parts of me (the cheesy parts) believe that there is this one person that'll come into my life and want to stay. Isn't that what all hopeless romantics want? But, I'm not hopeless is the thing. I have wasted so much time with boys. Yes, there have been great guys that have come into my life at some point (I'm still young folks), but the time I wasted dwelling on them and second-guessing myself sucked and I was blind. I guess that's what the L-word does to yuh.

Don't get me wrong, I'm open to love and desire it. Like many people do. Family and having close friends around me is something I want present in my life all the time, but that also doesn't mean I want to settle for someone just to have it. I've heard that at 30 everyone settles down and just commits to the person they're dating because "time is running out," but I crave a love so honest and true that I will for sure know, no matter my age, that this person is worthy of staying (okay that was hella cheesy). I guess that's what dating is for, and since I've only been on dates, I can't really advocate for a committed relationship. I've made myself guilty for not creating experiences like that; discovering what commitment is like, getting my heart broken in ways that make me so incredibly frustrated or miserable, knowing how to trust and confide in someone, and to just be fully vulnerable and willing to do anything for another person.
A reason for me not dating a ton of boys in my teens probably is from the innate self-respect I give myself. I've lived through my friends' relationships to know that while there are great things that come with relationships and ship-names, there's also a lot of shit that happens. Maybe I've just avoided it all together when I was younger because I knew that I would graduate school and not want to deal with the breakups, or that I just couldn't be happy with one guy, or just never really understood how it all "worked". I also don't think this avoidance and overly self-respected mindset I have comes out of fear. I just know I deserve better. I don't think I was that innocent either, as having an older sister has worked in my benefit, but I got my first kiss this year and it happened just the way I wanted it to. Not forced, not awkward, just great :) And if that guy is reading this, I just want you to know that I'm thankful it was you.

So yeah, as I dreamed I would have many relationships and dating experience, it all kind of started this year. Really fast, too. I get into some really weird stages where I just put myself out there a ton and nothing happens and then when I'm not making the effort, someone just magically appears out of nowhere. It's funny how when you're so focused on yourself and your own groove, someone notices you. Whether it be at a coffee shop, random Tinder match, library, classroom, or anywhere else. It seemed as though when I worried about everyone else around me, nothing I wanted was happening. It was forced and pressured. Something that sounds selfless actually does us a disfavor because when we obsess over trying to control ulterior situations; relationships, families, etc., it actually hinders other people from being able to reach you. Wow, Nat, you're a true philosopher now. No, I just have a lot of emotions and it's really late at night.

The rut of comparison and compulsive obsessing over your relationship status eats you whole. I continue to rethink decisions I've made or never did in my past. I've revisited old friends and it always reveals the same shitty thing I hate—moving on. Yeah, times were great with this one person, but that was ten years ago. Times have changed and that person probably wants to move on as much as you don't. It's cliché, but things happen for a reason. Maybe that one guy didn't deserve you and you just opened up more doors and probably will find an even better dude in like a month, who knows? Why worry so much? I'm no love expert, clearly, but a lot of what I've come to realize is that living in the past does nothing for us and you need to leave that shit where it belongs. Okay, so when do we get to the "loving ourselves first" part? 

If you've delved into lovey-dovey self-help books and articles on how to find "true love," there's probably a thing or two about why we can't love someone until we love ourselves first. I mean, we have to know how to live with ourselves for what, 80 or so years? I think loving ourselves is hard. There's a lot to not love about ourselves right? You know, your flaws and all you think about when you look in the mirror every morning? Who doesn't have those thoughts because I would love to know. I have always struggled with my self-perception; who I want to be, what I want to say, look like, who I want to associate with, what I want to learn, what I already know, all of it. Self-reflection is not easy, but acknowledging and observing these thoughts is a start. I don't even know if I "love" myself. 

Jen Sincero's self-help book called, You Are a Badass, gives some guidelines as to how someone as badass as yourself can go on living the most badass life. I would highly recommend it to everyone. What struck me the most was that after almost all of her chapters, "love yourself," was repeated over and over. It was a reminder that there's only so much you can do to improve your life, but what it all comes down to is how YOU see yourself and love it for what it is, flaws and shit included. We are always striving for the better, the best, the greatest. We want things we can't have. We are so stuck in the past and the future that we can't appreciate what we've got in the present. Whether it be a lover or not because honey, you were always your own lover. Your mom, dad, sister, brother, dog, best friend, old high school buddies, grandma, third cousin, aunt, uncle, and everyone else present in your life probably loves you as much as you need to love yourself.

Loving yourself looks different to everyone. To me, it means accepting all those bad things that happen to you, acknowledging those that care about you and respecting them, respecting yourself and your body, letting yourself feel emotion and be vulnerable, allowing yourself to let go of what and who doesn't serve you anymore, rewarding yourself for things you should be proud of, knowing that you have the ability to change and grow, and lastly, knowing you don't need no man to make your life "complete". There are more I could list, but I think you get the point by now. This isn't a pep talk for sad, broken hearts. It's for people like me who have so much love to give, but the last person we think of giving it to is ourselves.

Every year I think I wear out my winter shoes and find myself always on the hunt for winter boots—chelsea boots in particular. I just love the look of them and their durability in the elements. The main pair of shoes I wear are strictly boots and tennis shoes during the winter. I'm one of those people who own only like three pairs of boots and ends up wearing one of them every day. I'm a big advocate when it comes to finding really great quality shoes, even if it means spending a little more. I mean you wear them on your feet! 

After probably a month of endless online boot searching and really deciding if I wanted this specific pair, I decided on the Timberland Courmayeur Leather Chelsea Boots that I happened to get discounted at Macy's and sadly they don't carry them anymore. I think Instagram ads made me buy them, but oh well! Because look how cute they are! I was not a huge fan finding out they were real leather, however, I know that Timberland is a pretty respectable brand and the quality of the shoe is amazing regardless. They source their hides from acceptable locations throughout the US and places that cattle have been raised under the USDA guidelines, whatever that really means, so they strive to be aware and responsible for their animal welfare. I know this is a very important factor for some people, so I wanted to credit that. 

The simple and minimal design of the shoe itself is just the look I was going for, but the chevron stitching and craftsmanship of the shoe blew me away. Not only is it extremely comfortable, but they're also so easy to slip on and the tread makes it better to walk through snow and ice on undesirable Chicago blizzard days. All of the Chelsea boots I could find had pointed toes, and I really was happy to find that these were rounded and had a bit of a platform as well! As opposed to the classic Timberland work boots I've seen everyone wear, I'm glad I didn't jump on the bandwagon because these are the best boots I've ever owned. 

I never feel guilty when it comes to investment purchases and things I know I'm going to get wear out of. Especially things you can wear during winter weather conditions and need to have when unpractical boots get you stuck in the snow or you slip on black ice. For some reason, I struggle to find boots I love and I've had some other Chelsea boots that were cheaper and wore out faster. There are many options out there, but I was so pleased to find these and hope Timberland keeps them coming! 

The price of these and the material is something to consider, but I believe in quality made shoes and it was about time for me to switch out the old ones I wore so much. Some brands I would also recommend for Chelsea boots are American Eagle Outfitters, Urban Outfitters, and H&M. They have a wide variety of boots, but nothing that really struck my interest. Has anyone else been on the hunt for anything lately, especially for the holiday season? 

Over the years, my writing and blogging process has definitely evolved. Probably for the better, but I definitely don't have it down to a T yet. My creative process is a bit all over the place sometimes, to be honest. Not only does drafting posts take a while, but setting aside time to take all of my photos is something I've come to hassle with on occasion. The beginning of my blog journey consisted of crappy iPhone pictures and one sentence descriptions that lacked any substance or personality whatsoever. So, I think I've come along way and I've definitely never shared what this process is even like and how I balance everything else I do. 

It amazes me that I've stuck to a Tuesday/Thursday posting schedule for the past four years, giving myself breaks, taking my own photos, and coming up with personal and enticing content (or at least I think it's enticing). Being a blogger among millions of other bloggers has shed light on what kind of creative industry this is and what I want to make of it. Comparing myself to all of the "pretty perfect" and aesthetically-strict blogs have taught me that I just want to maintain authenticity and realness with my writing and content, as I have been for a while now. 

I really haven't had a second thought about followers or numbers because the success and gratification have come through my own improvement and the small joys I get from people who reach out to me about my work. That's what keeps me going and I think that's truly what differentiates me from all of those other content plug and chuggers who crave superficial popularity and money because I don't get paid at all. I know it may seem a little harsh, but I think now more than ever that criticism deems true. I've met bloggers who don't do it for the right reasons: fame, fortune, popularity, all that crap. However, I've also met hardworking and dedicated creators like me who do it because they love it and get more out of it than just the numbers. 

As for my writing process, it usually starts with something as mundane and old school as scratching out rough drafts of posts I want to write in advance. Sometimes I get inspiration out of the blue for a post to write and I will create it right away, but a lot of what I plan on writing is prepared in advance. This just helps me so that I am not overwhelmed with a lot of writing and brainstorming during school. I've found this process more efficient and not as stressful as many other bloggers might, it just works. A lot of what influences my posts are just things relevant to me at the time and surrounding circumstances like seasons and big events that are going on. I've definitely hit rock bottom with figuring out exactly what I want to say or do with posts, but other times I'm on a writing spree and will just hash out material back and forth. 

I am my own writer, editor, publisher, photographer, fact checker, and blog designer. I don't hire anyone and don't really have the means to do so. Since my blog is out of a hobby, I don't feel the need to put so much money or extra help into the process. I think the fact that I actually do everything gives me a lot more freedom and personality that some blogs who are run by more than one person lack identity. I have considered blogging as being a part of my job someday, but I'm honestly more okay with it just being a passionate hobby and having my job compliment it in some way. 

I have goals I would like to reach professionally in public relations and blogging has definitely contributed in that aspect. A lot of my writing is done in my "soft office," also known as, my bed. As I'm writing this now in my bed with my pup at my feet, I've also done a lot of writing in my dorm room on my desk, in my local libraries, coffee shops, and even in the car on my iPhone. Thankfully, my creative juices have been flowing a lot lately and I think that's mainly because I'm on break and make myself really productive. 

I'll be honest, I wish I could develop better photography skills and improve on more ways to take advantage of all the tools I have on my DSLR, but I just can't seem to figure it out. I really would like to get a new lens for my Canon T5i that I've had since I've started blogging and somehow change the look of my posts or create a new theme somehow. My skill in photoshop is really limited and my access to it is only when I'm at school. I've always liked my raw photos, but think my blog could use a little more color and uniformity. Maybe I should take more photo classes, who knows! I just need to take my camera out more. 

I guess a lot of blogs benefit from the perfected photos, but it just never appealed to me. Even if there are like little marks on the table I take flat lays on, I just don't feel the need to fix it. Who cares? A lot of bloggers would. For my flat lays in particular, I literally just use my side table and push it over to my window. I did used to use a piece of wood with marble contact paper, but overtime didn't like the look of the gloss. I considered getting professional box lighting, but natural light just always attracts me more and my pictures turn out a lot better. I usually have to wake up earlier around like 9 or 10am to just make sure that the sun is alligned right, it all matters! If I try taking pictures around 3 or 4, I'd be lucky if there was any sunlight because it gets dark so early. I'm also usually standing on a chair when I take photos and there are products and decor sitting all over my room. 

Blogging has definitely filled the creative void in my life. I miss all of my art classes, but I learn so much from my blog itself. The writing, photography, and blog designing all contribute to my need of creativity. I've also noticed more and more that I'm writing for myself—I mean that I'm not just creating posts that I think readers would like, buying products to just simply review and hype up, but I'm writing about things that I feel are important and relevant to address or question. Yes, I have been doing some beauty and fashion related posts, but a lot of my friends have noticed my personal and more upfront writing to be more favorable. 

As I've always mentioned, I'm constantly changing and evolving as I grow and learn with this blog and in this community of writers and readers. The most important thing I remind myself with is that I do this because I love it and continue to thrive from it. It isn't forced at all and I haven't put pressure on myself to look or seem a certain way. I go my own pace and in that, I think my blog and writing benefits so much. It's everyone that constantly supports me that tells me I'm doing something right. 

I was fortunate to be sent Esqido Lashes's new gel eyeliner to get to try out for you guys. I've raved about their Mink Lashes, so I was intrigued when they came out with liner and was excited to give them a go. I really haven't been on the "makeup game" lately because it's been a few months since I've bought new makeup to try out and use. However, I'm really into eye products more than anything and can report great things about this liner. So much so, that it will be the liner of the season! It's perfect for gift giving for all makeup lovers out there. 

The formula of both black and brown liners goes on very smoothly and effortlessly. I've had trouble in the past with some pencil liners being too waxy to apply, but you only need small strokes and the color payoff is phenomenal. I definitely geared more towards the brown liner just because I love the natural look more than dramatically black and smokey. 

I was also really surprised at the staying power of the liner and its lack of moving around my waterline during the day. Usually, I find that my pencil liner will build up in the corners of my eyes and I have to keep fixing it and wiping the excess liner that falls off. The Esqido Liner stays on for a really good amount of time and I was pleased to not have to fix it all the time. 

If you're a daily eyeliner wearer and are looking for a silky and smooth liner, I would highly recommend these! They don't gather in the corners of your eyes or run down your face—they stay put as all liners should. Right now, Esqido eyeliners are on sale for $12! They are perfect as stocking stuffers and paired with their classic and famous Mink Lashes that I love. You can also read my review of them, here. You guys know I am always open to trying new products, and I am grateful when companies send me products to try out, so I definitely think you will enjoy these as much as I did!