Re-energizing Goals and Motivation

There's something about this Autumn equinox and sense of crisp air in the atmosphere that makes me want to reflect on some of my feelings as I've begun school and the new season is changing. I want to be honest here and say that I've become a bit frantic in my thinking lately and there are so many things going on for me to process. 

I know it can seem normal for me to feel this way because I have in the past, but more than ever have I felt the need to be doing something always. I am always anxious when I have nothing to do, so when I have a to-do list, my mind is focused and I know I can get somewhere when I'm being productive. 

I know most people, especially my age, would love to have as much free time as possible, but not me.  I am undoubtedly the most overly ambitious and erratic human being when it comes to reaching for things I want. You know some people take it slow and that's fine, but I feel like I'm always pushing myself almost over the edge sometimes. I give myself breaks and try to be healthy in that way, but as soon as school started I had a checklist of things I wanted to get done by the time I graduate. Pretty scary stuff. 

I've realized that the more I push myself into things, the worse I feel. I work up emotions and nerves that just don't serve me. Adrenaline does, but anxious nerves do not. So, I've applied myself more to things so far like joining PRSSA (the public relations student society of America), I'm now the editor of HerCampus DePaul, and I've felt like I still don't have enough "experience" to be successful in the future. Some shit like that. 

I've slapped myself in the face because I'm in that mood where I become comparitive of myself and worry about what everyone else is in and doing. I've said it before in my previous post, "Pushing Away Negative Thought Clouds," but we can find ourselves in a trap of comparing ourselves to one another. I need to realize that the things that will come to me in the future are beyond my control. As of now, I need to focus on what I love to pursue now. 

Thanks to my mom and some of my good friends who have talked to me about this feeling, I know I'm definitely not alone. I've talked to my parents about my goals for the next couple years and we are going to figure it out together, which makes me reassured. My friends also can relate to this feeling that we all need to committ to a plan and have an idea of where we wanna be, what we wanna do, or who we wanna be with at some point. I just can't think like that in the obsessive nature I am. 

The more that I talk and write about this, the more clearer it becomes. It's okay to be all over in your thoughts. It's okay to think about and prepare for the future, but you cannot live everyday worrying about things you can't control. You are going to get the experiences you want, you are going to reach the goals you dream of, and you will find a path when you accept the fact that not everything is going to go as planned. 

You are not going to have the same experiences as others in this because it is what you make of it. It is okay to have off days. Motivation does not always have to be there. It is okay to not know where your life is headed. I know this sounds super sappy, but this is something I need to hear more than anybody else. As my dad says, "Why don't you listen to your writing, dude?". I'm trying. It seems so much easier said than done. 

I have found, though, that documenting my feelings or at least staying up late and texting a best friend about this has been extremely beneficial to relieving the doubts and thoughts that I have. I know I've already had a great three weeks at school, but the unknown of the future has hit me hard this quarter. Also, treating yourself a little bit and making sure you have time for yourself is very important. 

I at least know that my writing has been pretty good since I've started looking a bit more introspectively on myself and showing that on my blog. The response seems really well, too. So, I know I'm at least doing something right. That's all I can hope.